I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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