worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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