You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I use my feet as sexual weapons
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
