I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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