Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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