Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
