i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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