How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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