I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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