I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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