my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize