I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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