she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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