i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize