he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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