I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
