I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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