I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
