dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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