i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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