I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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