Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
