I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
