I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
