Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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