I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
