I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
