The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
