why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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