I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
