My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
