she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
