I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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