Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
