I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize