Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
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