I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
