Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
