the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
