everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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