my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
