You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize