I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
