Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
