you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
