So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
