i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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