I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
