my room smells like sperm. sweet.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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