I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
