she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
