You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize