I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
