dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
