i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
