walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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